Aunty Ajin.

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 To my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister when the relation comes with a leverage (upgrade in airline seats for instance cause it has happened ha ha), my preferred travel partner, my weight that pulls me back down when I’m a helium filled balloon and in over my head.

You have no idea how dazed out I was when I dropped you off at the airport, I hate goodbyes I always have and the most significant moments in my life has revolved around airports-last night was another heartbreaking moment, probably one of the worst.

Its funny because its not like I’ve known you my entire life, not even half, not even quarter, in fact not even long enough to be so attached but they weren’t joking when they said quality over quantity.

Thanks for walking through one of the scariest moments in life with me, growing up.

Thanks for loving me despite my bad choices in life the past couple of years.

Thanks for always always always being on my side.

Thanks for understanding that I am terrible at replying messages and not whine about how I don’t care about you although you often jokingly do whine.

Most of all, thanks for always subtly knowing why I make the choices I make because we all know I’d rather die than be wrong or admit I’ve made a mistake. (refer below to me admitting my mistake and am okay with it, for the first time EVER)

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks with you just discovering a foreign city in the day and opening up about how human we are in the night, thanks for not belittling my need to live in a world filled with adrenaline and white shark diving. Thanks for willing to take backpacking in Cape Town into consideration although I foresee a ton of whining if the plan actually comes into place HAH LOVE YOU.

When one country is ready for us together in the long run, I hope we’ll spend the rest of our adulthood just growing together and being each others pillar- although I will make an exception for your future husband to take over my place, some day (fight for it Golok ha ha ha). Until then, I hope pictures together and memories of our mischievous nights will be as vivid as ever.

I know you’ve probably found the love of your life and I know the person you’ll end up spending the rest of your life with is right it front of you and boy is one heck of a lucky man but remember that i’ll always have your back, we’ll always have your back as I know you have mine.

When the both of you are arguing I hope he remembers that I will try to be his friend and understand his situation but I’m always on your side and when I’m not, I will remain an innocent bystander HA HA.

I’ve always hated being wrong but this one time and this one time only I am glad I was wrong about him. A couple of nights ago I discovered that he does in fact deserve you, in this lifetime and the rest, inshallah. I hope he loves you at least half as much as I love you (although sometimes when I don’t pick up your face time calls this love declaration sounds like scam) because you know I’d give anything for your happiness.

I hope your sacrifices in life will always make sense and if they don’t and you feel like your entire world is falling apart remember that my bed always has a space for you and no long flights are too long (if required).

To many more crazy mischievous travels and the rest of our lives together..with additional memberships to +1’s (when I find mine)

p/s: i am first your bridesmaid and then your future children’s godmother and please tell your dad I still don’t know what and where ZOUK is because astaghfirullah sister HAHAHA.

Suicide

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Spent quite a while at the Geelong Public Library today and stumbled upon the Death Inquests in the official police records. Its not death that shattered my heart, death is in fact inevitable and fearing the inevitable is a form of self inflicting pain but it was how these good people died that tore me apart. Boy accidentally drowned..? Adult murdered..? Its a crazy world we live in..crazy short when you come to think of it.

One caught my attention.. Death by suicide…

Has it ever occurred to you, why does one take their own life? I mean we have researches doing all they can, money being spent on cures to save lives, and you have these other set of people, willing to take theirs away in a blink of an eye. No answers, yes? But i guess we often forget to think that we don’t know it all about the life of others, about the hardships they may be facing..about a lot, we are oblivious to so many things and sometimes…we forget that taking your own life requires strength too. Strength in the form of being able to keep up with maybe years and years and years of unhappiness. Who really knows, right? Nobody really knows and thats just where it should stop. When nobody really knows nobody should speak on behalf of victims of depression and self-harm, what more the ordinary unqualified bit of us.

May the ones that have left us rest in peace and forever remain in our heart and prayers. May the ones battling the many forms of depression/sadness and confusion in life that has the tendency to lead to suicide, know that they are not weaklings and they can face these trials in life. To persevere, have faith and know that you are never ever alone.

All my love to wherever and whoever you may be.

 

 

 

 

Password madness

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A couple of days ago I plugged my phone to my Mac and am pretty sure I did not decide to wipe anything out or even transfer any data but it did it itself…without my consent and just like that…in a split second i lost all my data all my password all my numbers blablabla.

I was also travelling abroad.

With a brand new like phone and 0 contacts.

Imagine the thrill.

I thought it got transferred into my ICLoud or I had a backup in it but nothing like that happened and the only backup I had….was that lifejacket under my seat if the plane were to go down. Ha ha ha ok I kid. No, but seriously, I lost everything…

Oh and do you know how you log on to your apps like twitter, gmail etc and it remembers the password..it wiped that memory out too.. on my phone and computer. Now i am stuck with a load of reset my password emails and am on the brink of crying and no I do not remember my password because some of them have been around for ages and they’ve always been automatically remembered on my gadgets.

To add salt to the wound.. roaming failed on me tsktsk Celcom. Really thought you were dabomb.com and had to get a new number, reregistered whats app and practically everything and….I BET MY LIFE I HAVE TEN MILLION MESSAGES ON MY REAL NUMBER WHICH I CANT ACCESS CAUSE THANKS CELCOM.

On top of that… lol yes my few days has been rather miserable in this sense but I also had to make a very very very important life and death online payment which was quite a sum so i required a TAC OR MSOS code which would be sent to my celcom number to be typed onto the e-commerce website for approval…but guess who has no access to her celcom number, which means I had to call Maybank to reset my phone number which required a solid 30 minutes of verification questions along the lines of so where did you sign up for your may bank account (10 years ago) – because i would remember and thats the most important detail in my life…right?

At the very end of it i persevered, got it all done and now I’m ready to hustle with Celcom that they have failed me and Apple…I trusted you.

 

Simplicity is key 

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If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you’d remember uni days aka mini skirt days (though I have in fact deleted a whole load of pictures cause shame has finally caught up ahahaha)

Throughout the entire journey or self discovery ha ha ha it stuck me that:

Slowly but surely we all come to terms that what’s yours will always be yours. We’ve loved and lost, and we love again, despite. We strip all of it off and go back to basics- simplicity is after all, key. We revamp out wardrobes to match our age and the sense of elegance we hope to portray. Slowly but surely, we grow.

I’ve grown, I hope I have through all my supposed love stories, through my broken friendships, bruised knees and ego. But also, through my lasting friendships and lesson learnt. I’ve also revamped my wardrobe and kept in mind that simplicity is key.

1. Simplicity: White on black (I don’t compromise on heels, some things needs compensation) 😂





 

The phone and you.

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“Adik, come home we go have dinner okay, mummy have not eaten.”

“Okay, will come back now, see you.”

A couple of days ago mummy sent me this message and it has been a while since we last had some good old mamak food late at night not caring about how it might affect

  1. my already confused sleeping pattern because we’ll end up spending hours and hours just talking..or in this case here, not talking.
  2. calories calories calories (has anyone ever wondered why calories.kl named themselves calories.kl?) I MEAN I FREAK OUT ONLY READING IT. No bit of calories is positive so naming a cafe (is it a cafe??) after it is only worse. LOL

OK so I got home and parked in front of the house and texted mum to come on out and off we go. YAY QUALITY TIME……….only to finally realise my mum would be on the phone the entire few hours.

I was initially quite upset because I actually rushed home and had a really really long day. The scorching hot weather did not help too. Always been quite hormonal since the weather, sweating before time, perfume not smelling like perfume anymore but sweat and I OBVIOUSLY GOT A FEW SHADES DARKER but on the bright side..sunny sunny weather gave me a reason to get new sunglasses so wiwiwiwiwiwiwi. Opportunist right thurrrr.

Okay whoa going out of context but yes, mummy was on the phone the entire time and if she wasn’t speaking she was texting. I acknowledge how tech savvy she has become but SIGH MOTHER I RUSHED HOME FOR YOU WHY WONT YOU NOTICE ME.

It then struck me, its a lot worse with our generation, my generation where we could call up a friend and ask them out for lunch only to end up snap chatting every ten minutes. Eh so when do you talk? Maybe its a price we have to pay with the advancement in technology..but what ever happened to real life conversation and love letters (NOT SO HINT, HINT: AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC AT HEART).

At the end of the dinner I rushed home for I tried keeping my cool although I was rather annoyed and just went up to my room… and a few minutes later mum knocked on my door because she knew I felt ignored. “Merajuk la tu…sorry okay.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmm nasib baik sayang.

#clingy

Maybe the best we can do for now is try our best to not be distracted by technology and avoid forcing the person in front of you to stare at the back of your phone. Maybe the best we can do is put away our phone when we realise we are in fact being distracted by it and maybe the ones feeling ignored could control their emotions and understand…as much as this is not the best way to address it, it is the norm, today and if someone tries their best to avoid their addiction to snapchat cause A for effort…right right…right? Somebody say yes before I pinch my best friend who is snap chatting me right now…

Wait…I’m typing from a laptop myself…what a fail LOL!

Miles

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If there’s something i keep blabbing and complaining about would be coping with distance with so many of my closest…and tak habis habis treating them like real-life superheroes but but but only cause they are…

Distance….timing….. insects… life….does bite you up in the bum..when you’re not looking LOL! Get my flow kk?

Distance very rarely but does get to me every now and then especially after a very trying day. Sometimes all i wish to do at the very end of the day is throw the calmest possible sigh that the day has ended and probably rant a second or two but eventually thank god that i have those shoulders to rant on….

I think at some point we all cease to be self-sufficient and instead rather dependent on the ones we can confide in…and that’s okay..right?

I AM SO HORMONAL ITS QUITE SCARY LOL.

Anyway… the people I surround myself with are always crazy inspiring so i think its justifiable that occasionally i find the need to hear their voices as a source of reminder that…we’re all striving in our own way to be the best version of ourselves.

So I have this friend who inspires me to no end and she is someone i anonymously tell people about besides mi madre cause she dabomb.com

Anyway….this friend of mine, P, has always been one of the most hardworking human being i have come across and she’s not the boring meeeeeeeh person cause she’s really fun and in the same time incredibly insightful.. She has a different view when it comes to life, a view thats very rare for someone her age (my age) to have + the challenges she has had to face while growing up. Its admirable. We don’t see each other very much, barely ever but we’ve always checked up on each other randomly and its..very nice. She always looks out for the people around her sometimes even before she looks out for herself, so so selfless…She cherishes the opportunity given to her to further her studies abroad because she understands the importance of education..She’s beautiful and really cheeky in the most harmless way…I MEAN WHO ELSE HAS SOME CHEMISTRY JARGON MOLECULE OR SOMETHING GOD KNOWS, TATTOOED ON THEIR ARM BUT THIS LITTLE PERSON LOL

Alhamdullilah I’m so grateful for friends like this who keeps me rooted every time I’m about to get in over my head..

DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT DISTANCE IS ANNOYING AND I’M MISSING SO MANY PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME ITS VERY VERY VERY FRUSTRATING.

*walks to fridge for ice-cream and mumbles about expensive flight tickets*

TONY HOOK ME UP WILL YOU NOT? Hehehehe

Quirky Conversations

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So recently I had a conversation with my mum…on one of her clients (apparently he is good looking, what do i know…right? heh heh heh)

“Adik, (pet name being the youngest in the family, equivalent to little sister, little brother) my new client so handsome…you will like him.”

“Oh how old? So handsome…?? Hmm.”

“He is young, but a father of 3. Yes, very very handsome.”

“OMG MUMMY WHAT THE…..?!?!?!?!”

“So pleasant, so complete, look at this nose, my god.”

*mum sends a picture of him through whats app*

“Hmm okay la different taste maybe hehe.”

“You should find someone like this.”

“OMG…”

AND MY MUM ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH…….

“He is not fat.”

HE IS NOT FAT?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN HE IS NOT FAT???

LOL MUM OKAY THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP… I SHALL PROCEED TO SHOP SIZE S TROUSERS AND SHIRTS FOR YOUR FUTURE SIL HA HA HA HA.

Is this a sign…that my mum thinks I need someone.. EVEN IF HE IS SOMEONES FATHER …?? WITH AN EXISITING WIFE….?

Oh mum.

 

 

 

Rachel Platten’s Stand By You

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I’ve been really hooked on Rachel Platten’s Stand by You (so outdated I know) but catching up with new music is really a lot of effort and time consuming…. and mostly it also means you’ll be slightly more attached (if you find one that you like) to a a new song and spend less time listening to the one you were hooked on before that.. WOULD THE SONG NOW FEEL ABANDONED AHAHAHAH? Ok ok drama queen me is done making something out of absolutely nothing.

Stand by You is a song that gives you so much faith.. cause if you were to look into the lyrics its actually telling someone through good times and bad, through thick and thin and if it was me being told that..or telling someone that..I’d be quite emotional and considering the content, its quite an upbeat song which only makes it better.. Out with sappy me in with hip me hehe.

Which brings me to:

Does it really happen? Having someone to sit with you through good and bad times? I mean what if someday I meet someone, they love me, all is good…we become a thing… we have great days together…and one day they see me on my sick days really ugly and weird hair..in jumpers and refuse to do anything but roll in bed with Netflix…WHAT IF THEY DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE OMG. WHAT IF THEY THINK OMG EW.

And what if he dumps me and tells his friends how annoying i am when I’m sick and slowly more people starts finding out…OMG WILL I BE BURIED A………LONE….. without my family members (obviously no husband already pfft thanks to mr kiss & tell LOL)

On a more serious note these things do keep me up at night..not the bit about being buried alone in particular ahaha but the bit about is there really someone who sits with you through good and bad times??

If there are from the looks of it..is it actually how it looks in public when its just the two of them in the bedroom. Do they talk about their problems and do they actually help each other out during and times and are genuinely happy for their partner’s success.. or do they just look happy when they’re out looking perfect but barely ever say anything to each other when doors are closed..because I know couples that are like that when they’ve been together for a while. It dies out and thats really really frustrating.

I know mum’s and dad’s, brothers and sisters..families in that sense will do their best to sit by you no matter what is it you’re facing, they will always have your back but eventually the family you are to build from scratch when you find your S/O also matters….right?

Leave it to me to freak myself out LOLOLOL

But wow Rachel Platten’s Superman and Speechless is really nice too. *happy sigh*

Old songs, you are not abandoned and shall remain in my playlist okay hehehehe

Strength.

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We often talk about strength..which is really subjective but today one of my friend (who shall not be named) is celebrating her one year anniversary with the person I hope is the love of her life because if anyone deserves to already find the love of their life, it is this friend of mine. I MEAN SHEESH COME ON WORLD…ABOUT DAMN TIME NO???

She has loved and lost more times than anyone I’ve known but remains one of my friends with the biggest heart and the capability to love like she has never been hurt before.

“Hmm nak buat macam mana, but its otey.” (Hmm what to do, but its okay) – These are her exact words…every single time. Of course there is always more to her stories and of course she gets upset and of course she lashes out initially but I really never thought it was possible to be whole..again…every, single, time.

That really is the epitome of strength when in this context.

She makes it look so easy to be whole even when she has lost multiple times. Whenever we go out together, she brings him along and i just look in awe..at her ability to love so so much. Ahhh, such a big heart, just makes me want to have one too.

 

LDR’s

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So recently I had a conversation with my friend who obviously sat through LDR which didn’t work out cause her then douchy boyfriend which we all (safe to say now) disliked….CHEATED ON HER PFFT.

But still, that aside she had the LDR experience, the gruesome, has no mercy for others LDR experience.

“Have you ever thought why most long distance relationships don’t work? I mean I know how some works out yadda yadda they end up happy and have babies… THOSE LUCKY LITTLE HUMAN BEINGS!! But..tons just don’t work out and they cause so much heartbreak..”

*spaced out for two seconds and thought about mine that did not work too*

Wise 22 year old me answered my own question: “Wait, I think I know why! Its cause airplane tickets are ridiculously expensive. I mean imagine if couples could give proof that they’re in long distance relationship and be given a pass to visit their SO every couple of months, that would save tons of relationships. I mean learning how to communicate aside, after a while when they’re not around you’d just subconsciously forget about them. (apparently i was told that it happens, pfft…what ever happened to jauh dia mata dekat di hati: separated by miles, but never by love) Anywaaaaay thing about being in LDR for too long is that need! Its not even a want anymore, ITS A DAMN NEED!!”

*sigh*

You know what I think, I think there should be like a card or a validation that two people are in a relationship and due to that they’re allocated say 3/4 flights a year at 90% off or something (I’m pushing it aren’t I? HEHEHEHE) But this allocation has to be regulated and I think the only way to regulate it is like that weird interview you go to when you want to move to your spouse’s country and the immigration centre needs to certify you’re not just after citizenship but after love..and only love. It could be done the same to relationships right? Maybe keep it only for those that have been dating for 6 months and above, I don’t know but something..at least. Its crazy, I see my friends enduring long distance and I just cry for them. Its heartbreaking. The pain of wanting and eventually developing the need to see someone you can only see through a camera lens….after a while its too little to hold on to for us humans who were designed to love and be loved.

I know a lot of us go on the basis that LDR tests the strength of a relationship but what about the mental bit of it…what about when that person is also your best friend and in your lowest moment all you need to stop yourself from pulling something silly upon yourself is a hug, a long long hug from the one that is your entire world.

 

I DONT KNOW WHAT IM SAYING BUT STAY STRONG LDR’S!!!!!!