Warning: This post has taken me quite a while and some editing as it was rather personal but if it helps anyone out there getting over something they thought was for life, I’m all in. One confused heart at a time.
Brilliant weekend it was falling on my bum while trail running and getting chlorine water up my nose pfft but glass half full so…… BRILLIANT BUM FALLING CHLORINE WATER WEEKEND LOL..
I thought considering I do occasionally get questions through my email and comments, I’d answer them as they come and the first one I thought I’d share my bit about would be getting over a breakup and how I pulled myself through it.
Ugh love stuff again, I know I know but sadly that is what this world revolves around, a lot of the time. Its the best and sometimes the worst.
So.. how did i get over my breakup?
I don’t know how to get over a breakup because truthfully I’m not over it but I know what makes each day better than the day before…or so i think i do LOL!
Anyway, when it first happened I was in such a daze, a state of mind i never thought was possible and this was as personal as a battle can get. I remember walking streets and seeing glimpses of this person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and sometimes I would even chase it, in an attempt to pat his shoulders and maybe exchange a hey, a how are you, anything would do. But you see, this ‘glimpse’ wasn’t even a person, it was a mere memory, or even what could be as sad as a shadow- doesn’t even exist. I was chasing shadows, not pavements Adele style but legit shadows…I KNOW! CRAZY! But as i was trying to point out, it was one of my biggest battles ever.
A battle I’m winning, one day at a time. (the world is crazy and yes even relationships can be battles and there will be winning and losing)
I think breakups comes in various settings, there are mutual breakups, breakups cause someone messed up a.k.a WORLD FREAKING WAR, ghosting breakups, and mine was the one without answers and an absolute shot in the brain. It was unexpected and it escalated quicker than Ron Burgundy. One day we were set on doing life together, the next it was like talking to someone I’ve met for the first time and we’re already at the worst possible state two people can be in- but you see..its my first day meeting him, so how was i to approach this madness. Which sort of a person is this, do i leave him or do i talk to him, do i try to figure it out- WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS STRANGER I WAS SO CLOSE TO SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. I was ready to fight, i was ready to fight like hell but fighting like hell wasn’t going to cut it.
This person was breathtaking you know.. he made me more at peace than i ever thought possible, so i was ready..to fight for this once in a lifetime love. I was ready to pull him out of his rut, this rut, our rut, whatever it took, however long it took.
It was late at night, wee hours in the morning actually and he was seated at the opposite end of the park bench and I thought to myself – this must be what absolute heartbreak feels like, you can’t even hear shatters. Shatters put you in a better place because you hear the breaking of your heart, you hear as it lands on the floor, as you watch it break apart in slow motion. Shatters make it real, and shatters also mean possibility of picking the pieces back up and glueing them back together, not perfect but in one piece, hopefully. I wanted to hear shatters. I couldn’t hear my shatters. All i heard was the loudest form of silence. So was it real? Was this heartbreak, this silent heartbreak i was feeling real at all?
It was the realest of reals i’ve ever encountered in my 21 years. In my head I repeated a million times, “You got this, just buy pretty shoes tomorrow, shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes just buy shoes.”
THAT LADIES AND GENTS WOULD BE MY DONT PANIC DONT PANIC DONT FXXXXING PANIC TRICK. Which obviously failed. Sheesh, is my love for shoes dying too? Yugh.
“I don’t know what I want.”
“I need to learn to be alone.”
“I woke up one day and I didn’t think of you quite as much as I should.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
That was the speech I was presented with as I watched the love of my life slip away. #nowplaying Kansas, Dust in the Wind. That was what it felt like, he felt like dust and it was a windy windy evening. This bit of dust was gone and there’s no chasing after a particle as minuscule as..dust.
This was 10 days before new years eve (new years eve which i spent with him as what was maybe a goodbye was the the last time i laid eyes on what at one point in my life was the most beautiful..most breathtaking individual who had such an honest voice.)
Every single day since has been..a daze.
I’ve gotten so angry, then in a split second so sad. I had a solid week of waterworks, I…even had tickets to fly back to London. That was how out of place everything was and how I struggled my way through from absolutely both. But the trick about letting it all go is to truly truly within your means let it all go- which is so difficult, i would know because how do you let something you thought you knew with all your might, go?
Here however are the little details that got me to where i am today. I remember reaching home at 2-3 am one night, drenched and just feeling finished. I thought to myself if there was a day that i should start talking, today would be the day. Today would be the day i start opening up about how hurt i truly am and how if i don’t reach out for a helping hand i’d drown in this daze.
“How are you Adik (the pet name for little sister in a family)? Is everything okay?”
God. The moment my mum looked into my lost eyes, I bawled. “I wanna leave mummy, I wanna get out of this place. I’ve tried but I can’t. Let me leave, find me a place to go, anywhere but here.” I have never in my entire life been in such a low point. (And no not even when they run out of my choice of shoe in my size lol.) But alhamdullilah, the morning after was one of the most beautiful mornings in my life. Ok maybe not beautiful but definitely relieved. I walked by my mum in the hallway and there was nothing to hide, there was no reason to fake a smile and i think that was one of the main reasons why picking myself up was… an okay journey. I didn’t have to pretend that i wasn’t shattered and i think when you come to terms with the fact that you’re hurt and stop masking it with your ego, you are definitely on your way.
I took the longest shower which I’m pretty sure took up the entire water for the day quota in my building HAHA but it got me up and running so… all is fair in love and war? LOL.
Everyday since that first day i come to terms with the fact that i lost the love of my life, again and again but i also come to terms with the idea that i will love again, and better, i’ll love better. I think thats the biggest problem we have when we lose people we love, we hang on to the idea that we will never find anyone like them, we will never find the sort of peace we felt the moment they held their hand on yours-but fun fact, you will. You always will, even when you feel like you won’t, God, please keep assuring yourself that you will.
I went out there, I met so many new people, made great new friends, I changed my hair, I bought new clothes, I genuinely seek to have fun (which i promise you i did) and move on. Its all in the mind. I started running again, I did whatever made me happy, I appreciated those around me more and started noticing the little things in life. I have days where it feels like i am starting from scratch again but that damp black shadow chasing hole i was in, was never as black never as damp. It gets better everyday. I opened myself up and today, the person I once thought was the love of my life i accept is a mere distant memory.
But most importantly, this is what i live with today- I take deep breaths and smile for no reason, i just.. smile. I stopped chasing after people i seek to hold on to future sake and instead i hold on to whatever makes me smile and laugh even if its only for a moment. Whatever, whoever. I truly and not just make it a 2016 resolution to live in the moment. I took a chill pill and i’m at the best state. I lost but God, i gained so much more.
That’s my daily journey and i hope it helps. But if it doesn’t, email me @ email@example.com and we’ll hang out- if you’re from Malaysia..? LOL!
p/s: I ALSO SHOP, LIKE HELL. I BUY EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE, WHICH I CAN AFFORD OF COURSE. NO THERAPY LIKE RETAIL THERAPY.