Remember that desperate need we’ve all encountered if lucky, only once in our lives, to move so far away… to disconnect ourselves from the person we once were.
Sometimes something as simple as a terrible tagged photograph to something so much more, to a terrible end of something we thought could have been beautiful story to tell.
What a shame it is to watch something fall apart, something we thought would have made through the test of time but thats just it, we’re all so fragile. Relationships are fragile, how we feel, what we say, the many many things we do on a daily basis if only we took the time to look into closely, has fragile written all over it.
Fragile are our hearts. Fragile are our hearts and no matter how we’ve armoured it, we’re only human and we can only take so much.
Never read me wrong, we as humans are capable of more than we can imagine, so so so so much more. You’re a tough cookie, I’m a tough cookie that dude who has had a long day puffing a box of cigarettes, dude is a heck of a tough cookie.
But we’re fragile.
We’re fragile when we love, we love with all our hearts in hopes that we see it through. We give it all, so we’ll never live with regrets. We spend weeks, months, years nurturing bonds only to have it broken in a blink of an eye.
Then we wish we never spent all that time and effort so we remove all proof of that time and effort. We delete text messages, photos and numbers. We avoid all communication, we clear the gifts we’ve received to make it easier. We become so desperate to pretend that the time in our life, never happened. That time that we were fragile. Sometimes we regret. I do that, I regret the choices I’ve made, many of them, I regret the people I’ve put never ending faith in, I regret sometimes existing in the same time they did, same time and place. I do it too, find myself in a desperate need to disassociate myself to a time where I was fragile.
However not too long ago, I realised for the millionth time, if it wasn’t for the people I’ve met no matter good or bad, if it wasn’t for the most silent of shatters I’ve heard my heart make, if it wasn’t for that picture I really didn’t want to see on social media but popped up anyway, and most importantly if it wasn’t for that awful international call I received as I was walking through immigration in London Stansted airport, I really truly would not be the person I am today.
I’ve learnt over the years that if the good gets better, the bad too can get worse. Lesser things get to me and very rarely do I mope around wondering why.
So here is a huge ass thank you to everything that I at some point in my life wish will not happen but happened anyway for I am nothing without it. I am a compilation of people I’ve met, relationships I’ve had, stories I’ve heard and problems I’ve encountered. I am a mirror of the people who has loved and cared for me. Nothing of me is original. I am bits and pieces of experiences, something, I really wouldn’t trade off for anything, even if it was simpler. (I won’t always feel this way and I will, I foresee myself every once in a while looking back and being very very angry about many many things but I hope I’ll always find it within me to remind myself that nothing…absolutely nothing of me is solely self made)
And these are my odd thoughts at 4am.