“You don’t always have to put up a brave front, you don’t always have to want more.”
Maybe I don’t maybe I do. I don’t think there will ever be a definite answer to when it’s okay to not want more, or to slow down your pace, but if there’s one thing I know- we barely ever give ourselves enough credit for all the handwork we’ve put in, for the late nights, for at least the few things we got right. I remember being pressured over a “mistake” I made, and I say “mistake” because more than anything else I know I was pressured into believing it was a mistake and not me learning. They’re probably the same thing but if I had it my way I’d love to make the most negative of things sound, less negative? Mistakes….?
“Let me make my own mistakes!! Let me learn from them!! Let me blame myself for the mistakes I’ve made and for the ones I will make in the future!!”
Between crazy shopping sprees, makeovers, tea, ice cream, coffee and crazy paced yet mesmerising London, I work hard (something I’ve finally come to terms with). We often don’t allow ourselves to think we work hard and I don’t know why is that so for everyone else but for myself? I don’t pat myself on the back for working hard because I know there’s more I can do, I know that with more hours, with more effort, with more brainstorms I will achieve more and if I’ve yet to achieve something ultimate, patting myself on the back would only slow me down- if it even make sense, its like allowing yourself to think you’ve done enough, when truth is you are nowhere near enough. I spend a lot of my time going around the things I did wrong, the steps I took which isn’t as fruitful as I expected it to be. I spend a lot of my time thinking what could I have done better, what could I have changed if only I had seen the crack in the earlier stages. Of course this goes beyond work, it applies to friendships, relationships, conversations- everything. I should have…. I should have known, I should have done something, I could have done something. Why didn’t I do something? I could have fixed it.
Don’t get me wrong though, its perfectly fine to want to fix things- in fact today is by far one of the biggest fix things day I’ve had in a long time. Fixing fallouts fixing friendships anything that can be fixed honestly because it was time and I was mature and calm enough as an individual, for it – (one of the very rare moments I’m calm and collected so don’t put too much hope -.-)
This was how I realised that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for the the few things we may have done right.
You know how you have friends and for some friends maintaining a relationship with them is like maintaining a relationship with your in laws, you’ve got to get into the good books of the parents- that is if you care enough for your friendship, and I did because we’ve had some really great times together, we were each others home away from home. In my effort to get into the good books, I tripped more than enough times, bruised my knee, then my palms trying to carry myself up then my face when I realise I didn’t actually have a chance- which was okay for me. I was however perceived to be someone I was not, someone who wasn’t of good influence- if it makes any sense, I think it does. (Some situations are slightly more difficult to be put into words so bear with me). Anyway, who enjoys being seen for someone they’re not, right? I was upset, almost angered but more disappointed that I was believed to be of such influence/ person. So whatever you know, I really couldn’t be bothered for a while until earlier in the day when the name appeared on my phone and it hit me, why was I even upset? I was upset because I know i’ve worked hard enough to be in any good book, to receive at the very least the basic of all respects, the ones where you share amongst strangers, person to person, human to human. I was upset because when I was being disrespected, I wasn’t stood up for, no one slammed the table for me in anger yelling “She is not that person, she is so much more, she has worked hard, stop speaking of her that way!!”
I was upset because it was something I would have done for a friend if she was being disrespected behind her back, because without respect we don’t actually have anything.
Then I thought, how was i to expect a friend to stand up for me when I don’t stand up for my handwork and my hours and my although mediocre but nevertheless achievements? How can I get pat on the back from another when I don’t pat myself enough?
Which is why – instead of only going around trying to fix things, trying to constantly work harder, constantly putting in more hours, constantly improving, constantly trying to see ourselves from the eyes of someone else- wondering if we look good enough, if we’ve worked enough, if we’ve achieved enough, the least we could also add to the equation is to acknowledge that in the very short time that we have lived, aside from all the mistakes and all the setbacks, we’ve done a few things right and we deserve that self pat, that self praise, that Louis, that Manolo’s (if you were me) and that lazy Sunday. I’ll pat myself on the back now for the things I’ve done right and so will you.