Wants and Needs

In hopes that my past does not haunt my present and my future, I have chosen to delete the hundreds of blogposts I’ve posted in the past few years, to be more careful in my choice of words and to think before I speak (something I need to really work on).

Tonight? To-morning (Its 5.30am) I was thinking about so many things my thoughts are more jumbled up than they ever have been.

a) what do i want?

b) what do i need?

c) is what i want and what i need the same thing?

d) do we ever know what it is we should want and what it is we should need?

e) wait, so what do i go for?

What I want is pretty straightforward. Since this isn’t where i’ll dwell into ALL the things that truthfully matter to me because who has time to read someone else’s hope and dreams when they’re chasing their own (so i’d like to think), be brief I shall.

Love. Love is what I want for without it what are we and who will we be? But not just any other love. The crazy out of this world mesmerising you’re my best friend let stay in and watch movies lets be so in love we don’t give ourselves a chance to fall out of it.

That sort of love. A love so deep the ocean would be jealous – I’ve seen it. I want it.

I don’t want to settle just for another love, another ordinary love that losses its light, eventually.

Where is this never enough, never ever enough, mind stimulating, thankful, grateful you’ve found each other in this world, kind of love?

 

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Some pictures….

I always thought, take as many pictures as we can… even if the view isn’t picturesque and that was what I used to do, everywhere I went, selfies, views, something…. I always snapped something only to realise they also serve as the most vivid form of a time machine. Some pictures….

Some pictures; they do that to you. One glimpse and you are travelling back in time, you remember exactly how you felt and the thoughts you had. You relive it all, smiling the exact same way for the exact same thing, the good, or curling up as you hear shatters, the same one your heart made, the bad. Some pictures….

I scrolled through my old photos today, some going way back..6/7/8 years back. I saw pictures of my travels, I saw a test snap of my street where I lived from a go pro I just got from London…and they weren’t even clear.

But some pictures…

This picture.

Screen Shot 2017-06-18 at 10.18.03 PM

I caught myself staring into space only to realise in my head..it was 2015 again and I was walking down the street to catch an early bus for work. It was chilly and I had cheap ballerina flats on, what was it £4..? I had my ever then so faithful leather jacket I got from a weekend market.. and I was humming to Kodaline’s Moving On.

‘…when we won’t care about all of our mistakes, our failures, and our glories’, was the exact part of the song that got me and I froze. That chilly morning was getting to my bones and I was blinking so much I might have lost a couple of eyelashes. Mistakes, failures, glories… they rang a bell of what was then a life I left behind. Missed my bus so I walked to the Caledonian Road station.. I thought I needed the walk, one where I kept my head down the entire time.

“I miss him… but I’ll never forgive him. He never wanted forgiveness anyway, he only wanted to be right.”

But I did, I missed him so much my legs felt like they were going to fail on me and the weather for the rest of the day was one that very much agreed with me.

I snapped out of it.. and some pictures….that picture… got me blinking my eyes again the same way I did that chilly morning.

Aunty Ajin.

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 To my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister when the relation comes with a leverage (upgrade in airline seats for instance cause it has happened ha ha), my preferred travel partner, my weight that pulls me back down when I’m a helium filled balloon and in over my head.

You have no idea how dazed out I was when I dropped you off at the airport, I hate goodbyes I always have and the most significant moments in my life has revolved around airports-last night was another heartbreaking moment, probably one of the worst.

Its funny because its not like I’ve known you my entire life, not even half, not even quarter, in fact not even long enough to be so attached but they weren’t joking when they said quality over quantity.

Thanks for walking through one of the scariest moments in life with me, growing up.

Thanks for loving me despite my bad choices in life the past couple of years.

Thanks for always always always being on my side.

Thanks for understanding that I am terrible at replying messages and not whine about how I don’t care about you although you often jokingly do whine.

Most of all, thanks for always subtly knowing why I make the choices I make because we all know I’d rather die than be wrong or admit I’ve made a mistake. (refer below to me admitting my mistake and am okay with it, for the first time EVER)

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks with you just discovering a foreign city in the day and opening up about how human we are in the night, thanks for not belittling my need to live in a world filled with adrenaline and white shark diving. Thanks for willing to take backpacking in Cape Town into consideration although I foresee a ton of whining if the plan actually comes into place HAH LOVE YOU.

When one country is ready for us together in the long run, I hope we’ll spend the rest of our adulthood just growing together and being each others pillar- although I will make an exception for your future husband to take over my place, some day. Until then, I hope pictures together and memories of our mischievous nights will be as vivid as ever.

I know you’ve probably found the love of your life and I know the person you’ll end up spending the rest of your life with is right it front of you and boy is one heck of a lucky man but remember that i’ll always have your back, we’ll always have your back as I know you have mine.

When the both of you are arguing I hope he remembers that I will try to be his friend and understand his situation but I’m always on your side and when I’m not, I will remain an innocent bystander HA HA.

I’ve always hated being wrong but this one time and this one time only I am glad I was wrong about him. A couple of nights ago I discovered that he does in fact deserve you, in this lifetime and the rest, inshallah. I hope he loves you at least half as much as I love you (although sometimes when I don’t pick up your face time calls this love declaration sounds like scam) because you know I’d give anything for your happiness.

I hope your sacrifices in life will always make sense and if they don’t and you feel like your entire world is falling apart remember that my bed always has a space for you and no long flights are too long (if required).

To many more crazy mischievous travels and the rest of our lives together..with additional memberships to +1’s (when I find mine)

p/s: i am first your bridesmaid and then your future children’s godmother and please tell your dad I still don’t know what and where ZOUK is because astaghfirullah sister HAHAHA.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri/ Happy Eid Mubarak

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 First and foremost Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin / Happy Eid Mubarak / happy holidays guys, as i have finally realised my traffic comes from various countries. So grateful I get to blab and someone actually reads and finds my writings worth their time, cause I mean come on H is starting to need his earplugs the moment I open my mouth to even say hey.

So, unlike every other Eid Mubarak I spent mine this year in the glorious metropolitan London.   Went for the yearly Aidilfitri Prayers at the High Commission of Malaysia, London and bumped into a few familiar faces.
  Look at this green coordinated family, super cute! (not mine though) OH! First from left graduated London School of Economics a couple of days before yay.

  Not creepy at all, nope I’m not a creepy popia (fried mini spring roll) person.

  
  
  Glorious food.. cause what are crash diets and calories…
 Spent my entire first day of Aidilfitri with this lady right here and I had an amazing time. For a second there, I almost forgot I wasn’t home for such an important day and I wouldn’t have been able to endure this day without her. How lucky am I? So thankful!

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin / Happy Eid Mubarak to those celebrating and those who are not- go on a hunt for the food they serve- Thank me later, I know you will! & Happy Holidays!