Take take take it all

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Remember that desperate need we’ve all encountered if lucky, only once in our lives, to move so far away… to disconnect ourselves from the person we once were.

Sometimes something as simple as a terrible tagged photograph to something so much more, to a terrible end of something we thought could have been beautiful story to tell.

What a shame it is to watch something fall apart, something we thought would have made through the test of time but thats just it, we’re all so fragile. Relationships are fragile, how we feel, what we say, the many many things we do on a daily basis if only we took the time to look into closely, has fragile written all over it.

Fragile are our hearts. Fragile are our hearts and no matter how we’ve armoured it, we’re only human and we can only take so much.

Never read me wrong, we as humans are capable of more than we can imagine, so so so so much more. You’re a tough cookie, I’m a tough cookie that dude who has had a long day puffing a box of cigarettes, dude is a heck of a tough cookie.

But we’re fragile.

We’re fragile when we love, we love with all our hearts in hopes that we see it through. We give it all, so we’ll never live with regrets. We spend weeks, months, years nurturing bonds only to have it broken in a blink of an eye.

Then we wish we never spent all that time and effort so we remove all proof of that time and effort. We delete text messages, photos and numbers. We avoid all communication, we clear the gifts we’ve received to make it easier. We become so desperate to pretend that the time in our life, never happened. That time that we were fragile. Sometimes we regret. I do that, I regret the choices I’ve made, many of them, I regret the people I’ve put never ending faith in, I regret sometimes existing in the same time they did, same time and place. I do it too, find myself in a desperate need to disassociate myself to a time where I was fragile.

However not too long ago, I realised for the millionth time, if it wasn’t for the people I’ve met no matter good or bad, if it wasn’t for the most silent of shatters I’ve heard my heart make, if it wasn’t for that picture I really didn’t want to see on social media but popped up anyway, and most importantly if it wasn’t for that awful international call I received as I was walking through immigration in London Stansted airport, I really truly would not be the person I am today.

I’ve learnt over the years that if the good gets better, the bad too can get worse. Lesser things get to me and very rarely do I mope around wondering why.

So here is a huge ass thank you to everything that I at some point in my life wish will not happen but happened anyway for I am nothing without it. I am a compilation of people I’ve met, relationships I’ve had, stories I’ve heard and problems I’ve encountered. I am a mirror of the people who has loved and cared for me. Nothing of me is original. I am bits and pieces of experiences, something, I really wouldn’t trade off for anything, even if it was simpler. (I won’t always feel this way and I will, I foresee myself every once in a  while looking back and being very very angry about many many things but I hope I’ll always find it within me to remind myself that nothing…absolutely nothing of me is solely self made)

 

And these are my odd thoughts at 4am.

 

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Time; a double edged sword.

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We think we have time.

One of the many many things I probably am most guilty about is pulling a rain check. Never ever on purpose, always believing we have time and although that cup of coffee was important, something is..more important. It sneaks up on you and makes it to the top of the priority list. WORK, constantly finds itself up there.

Seriously though, how is work always sneaking up and biting us up in the ass and how are we always so wiling to let it do just that?

ANYHOW….

I never gave anything I could not see with my own two eyes the time of the day (i.e horoscopes, tarot cards bla bla bla absolutely no offence to those who do, is cool). First things first… who is this guy behind these recycled papers telling me what’s going to happen to my life in the next week, how does he know these things and if he does can he show me the way to idk whatever it is at the end of the road already…and secondly why does a sun with a smiley face represent anything more than sun…with a smiley face? #legitq

My mouth will come to haunt me back one day, and right now is that day.

Many many MANY years ago… I accompanied a friend to this South African festival something whatsoever in London and there was a tarot card reader who has been in the block for ages (so it seems). I was hungry, it was raining a little and a huge person in an ugly costume thought it’ll be funny to chase me around..so the shelter of the tarot card reader really did seem like the best option.

Fast forward I was persuaded to read my whatdaya call it…future? in my cards.

Granted she really did not even want me to pay so why not.

Fast forward to whatever she deciphered from my card: I apparently am always chasing something, deep down I want to chase what truly matters but I always end up chasing success..solo success. (WHAT DA HECK IS SOLO SUCCESS?). Do it long enough she said, I will find myself able to see the world and no one to see it with. Do it long enough she further said, I’ll forget what I now stand for: To find a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. (OH NOSEE!).

Glass half full: Believer or not yeah, when you hear these things said about you, you will snap out of it! You’ll try your hardest to not be exactly that. So maybe…it wasn’t so bad after all an ugly costumed person decided to come after me, or that it rained… or that I was so hungry i needed a breather. It now does not even matter that I am a non believer of card reading because the eventual result is me trying to chase the better more lasting form of happiness this world has to offer. I do that now. That’s where time comes into place.

What a shame yet what a blessing we humans are such mortals that with time, we will cease to exist on the face of this earth. Shame because of all the things we want to do yet time is so limited. Shame that there are so many books I would love to devour in my own pace yet I’ve got an alarm clock to set. Shame that we live in such a world that we’ve got a ticking body clock forcing us to find love even when the love is not there. Shame, really.

…………but

What a blessing this existence of time can be.

Blessing that with the knowledge that nothing lasts forever and we mortals are living in the mercy of time, we will hopefully not take anyone for granted. We’ll make it in time for coffee with those whose time are just as limited as ours. We will strive to live to the fullest, to love with all our hears, to make it count. To chase what truly matters.

Funny. Time. A double aged sword.

How does work sneaking up, rain check, tarot card reading and us being mortal makes sense that I am putting it all together: Today, I don’t let work sneak up on me, I make choices, I barely ever pull a rain check unless I am sick because..TIME. Because I do not want to be able to see the world but see it alone, I want to see the Subang Jaya lake, and not be alone. I want something greater than a list of titles on my name card.

(Now, its 2017,nobody come after me with a broom stick on fire for sitting through a tarot card reading yeah? Sekian.)

P/s: GO HUG THE HECK OUT OF THE MORTALS THAT MATTER.

In a blink of an eye

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Many many years ago, with 5 piercings on one ear, rainbow hair and god awful braces, I too made coffee. But unlike the many horrifying decisions I was so persistent on making, this was, although at a minimum wage (Ha Ha) definitely one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life.

I would not even be exaggerating if I were to say a lot of me today is built on that two years +- I spent every single day meeting different people, some in contact till this very day.

In fact, some of my closest were the people I met and worked with. Who would have thought you’d build such a lasting relationship over overpriced fraps (making not drinking), the most non flattering green as an apron, cap hair, coffee smelling fingers and chicken toastie!

Years later, we’re still here. Together. Nothing has changed. We look exactly the same!(well…at least most of us…Damn it Chee Meng lose that awfully tight and short trousers).

Chee Meng has become one of my closest friends who has always been there for me unless the time required for him to be there is between 6 am to 8 am then good luck getting yourself out of a rut while he walks in getting angry at the entire world because he wouldn’t wake up or morning traffic is odd in that lalaland of his. (MAJOR WTF)

But other than that this little tight trousers wearing person has always had my back.

We traveled stores together, worked with new people together, even spent an Aidilfitri together working in Bangsar!

Eric……. Eric is just an oddball (I never called him that until today, he calls himself that). Such an extremist with the most complicated of emotions. Like I mean what would you do when someone cries because they are hungry? How would you tackle a large person behind a door crying because he is hungry AND does not know what to eat….even with the whole Asia Cafe in front of his face. HAH! We made up for all the naughtiest things we have done together i.e infused orange juices, 20 espresso shots that got me so high i couldnt tell the difference between RM 10 and RM 20 and hair dye sessions in the toilet..because we were so so good together. For all the tired days I’ve had, Eric has always been there for me, helping me out…no matter the shift. All of us were so good together, so much warmth so much love, it helped that we were all actually friends.

Janice, is Janice. Probably one of the more normal person there was behind the bar. Never the naughty one to initiate, always the one being called up for random shifts because she lived half a block away.

But it always made sense, there was of course so so many more of us, all of us were students, none expected to have lasted that long at RM5/ph but we had each other and…man, how do I even begin to explain.

I wish the entire two years were documented then maybe just maybe you’d be just at awe as I am at how so many different people from different walks of life with extreme differences in personalities made a generic coffee place, special. The little things made those years a definite contender for the best years of my life.

It wasn’t only special for us…. It was so it seemed special to more than just us. We became sons and daughters of regulars, friends to strangers, saviors to no sleep last night lecturers, and puke cleaners to vomiting party animals Ha Ha Ha.

So thankful I decided to walk into that then different and smaller generic coffee shop. So thankful I agreed to a 4 minute interview with Karen. So thankful for how everything just worked itself out.

So lucky.

What do I need

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The probably most humbling (because brutal honesty is the way to go here) question you can ever ask yourself.

“What is it that I need? What’s gonna keep my feet on the ground?”

I don’t have my feet on the ground. I have myself floating in bits of pieces of lala-land I’ve carefully crafted.

As much as gravity free life is very very appealing, in the long run, it gets a little bit too…unreal and slowly but surely you find yourself detached from all that truly matters.

So here is what I need. I need to be okay with the many many things that aren’t as okay as I wish for it to be. I need to be okay that some things too won’t be as smooth sailing as I want it to be. I need to be okay that sometimes, though very rarely, I may not be able to vogue it out in a pair of stilettos and should opt for a boring black ballerina to work. I need to learn to be okay (and grateful, most importantly grateful) that I am surrounded by those who are trying their hardest to protect my best interest although methods of execution are distorted. I need to be okay with the fact that sometimes, some not always times, no matter how hard you try to work around “How you treat others is a mirror of how you want yourself to be treated”, it doesn’t always work out as such.

Therefore I need to slowly accept that maybe, just maybe Tom Chaplin knows whats up and I do not:

You’ll be knocked out, come around
Shot down, shatter on the stony ground
Yeah take it from me, it’s how it’ll be
Your dreams will come true, fall through
Screw you, batter you to black and blue
Yeah take it from me, it’s how it’ll be

-Quicksand (Album: The Wave)

But most of all I need to be okay that the shoe I ran my first, first ever marathon with, that has taken me over a thousand kilometers (unreal, I know), has done its time, in the most elegant manner. You da bomb dot com bow chicka wow wow.

Wants and Needs

In hopes that my past does not haunt my present and my future, I have chosen to delete the hundreds of blogposts I’ve posted in the past few years, to be more careful in my choice of words and to think before I speak (something I need to really work on).

Tonight? To-morning (Its 5.30am) I was thinking about so many things my thoughts are more jumbled up than they ever have been.

a) what do i want?

b) what do i need?

c) is what i want and what i need the same thing?

d) do we ever know what it is we should want and what it is we should need?

e) wait, so what do i go for?

What I want is pretty straightforward. Since this isn’t where i’ll dwell into ALL the things that truthfully matter to me because who has time to read someone else’s hope and dreams when they’re chasing their own (so i’d like to think), be brief I shall.

Love. Love is what I want for without it what are we and who will we be? But not just any other love. The crazy out of this world mesmerising you’re my best friend let stay in and watch movies lets be so in love we don’t give ourselves a chance to fall out of it.

That sort of love. A love so deep the ocean would be jealous – I’ve seen it. I want it.

I don’t want to settle just for another love, another ordinary love that losses its light, eventually.

Where is this never enough, never ever enough, mind stimulating, thankful, grateful you’ve found each other in this world, kind of love?

 

Some pictures….

I always thought, take as many pictures as we can… even if the view isn’t picturesque and that was what I used to do, everywhere I went, selfies, views, something…. I always snapped something only to realise they also serve as the most vivid form of a time machine. Some pictures….

Some pictures; they do that to you. One glimpse and you are travelling back in time, you remember exactly how you felt and the thoughts you had. You relive it all, smiling the exact same way for the exact same thing, the good, or curling up as you hear shatters, the same one your heart made, the bad. Some pictures….

I scrolled through my old photos today, some going way back..6/7/8 years back. I saw pictures of my travels, I saw a test snap of my street where I lived from a go pro I just got from London…and they weren’t even clear.

But some pictures…

This picture.

Screen Shot 2017-06-18 at 10.18.03 PM

I caught myself staring into space only to realise in my head..it was 2015 again and I was walking down the street to catch an early bus for work. It was chilly and I had cheap ballerina flats on, what was it £4..? I had my ever then so faithful leather jacket I got from a weekend market.. and I was humming to Kodaline’s Moving On.

‘…when we won’t care about all of our mistakes, our failures, and our glories’, was the exact part of the song that got me and I froze. That chilly morning was getting to my bones and I was blinking so much I might have lost a couple of eyelashes. Mistakes, failures, glories… they rang a bell of what was then a life I left behind. Missed my bus so I walked to the Caledonian Road station.. I thought I needed the walk, one where I kept my head down the entire time.

“How…why…?”

I snapped out of it.. and some pictures….that picture… got me blinking my eyes again the same way I did that chilly morning.

Aunty Ajin.

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 To my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister when the relation comes with a leverage (upgrade in airline seats for instance cause it has happened ha ha), my preferred travel partner, my weight that pulls me back down when I’m a helium filled balloon and in over my head.

You have no idea how dazed out I was when I dropped you off at the airport, I hate goodbyes I always have and the most significant moments in my life has revolved around airports-last night was another heartbreaking moment, probably one of the worst.

Its funny because its not like I’ve known you my entire life, not even half, not even quarter, in fact not even long enough to be so attached but they weren’t joking when they said quality over quantity.

Thanks for walking through one of the scariest moments in life with me, growing up.

Thanks for loving me despite my bad choices in life the past couple of years.

Thanks for always always always being on my side.

Thanks for understanding that I am terrible at replying messages and not whine about how I don’t care about you although you often jokingly do whine.

Most of all, thanks for always subtly knowing why I make the choices I make because we all know I’d rather die than be wrong or admit I’ve made a mistake. (refer below to me admitting my mistake and am okay with it, for the first time EVER)

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks with you just discovering a foreign city in the day and opening up about how human we are in the night, thanks for not belittling my need to live in a world filled with adrenaline and white shark diving. Thanks for willing to take backpacking in Cape Town into consideration although I foresee a ton of whining if the plan actually comes into place HAH LOVE YOU.

When one country is ready for us together in the long run, I hope we’ll spend the rest of our adulthood just growing together and being each others pillar- although I will make an exception for your future husband to take over my place, some day. Until then, I hope pictures together and memories of our mischievous nights will be as vivid as ever.

I know you’ve probably found the love of your life and I know the person you’ll end up spending the rest of your life with is right it front of you and boy is one heck of a lucky man but remember that i’ll always have your back, we’ll always have your back as I know you have mine.

When the both of you are arguing I hope he remembers that I will try to be his friend and understand his situation but I’m always on your side and when I’m not, I will remain an innocent bystander HA HA.

I’ve always hated being wrong but this one time and this one time only I am glad I was wrong about him. A couple of nights ago I discovered that he does in fact deserve you, in this lifetime and the rest, inshallah. I hope he loves you at least half as much as I love you (although sometimes when I don’t pick up your face time calls this love declaration sounds like scam) because you know I’d give anything for your happiness.

I hope your sacrifices in life will always make sense and if they don’t and you feel like your entire world is falling apart remember that my bed always has a space for you and no long flights are too long (if required).

To many more crazy mischievous travels and the rest of our lives together..with additional memberships to +1’s (when I find mine)

p/s: i am first your bridesmaid and then your future children’s godmother and please tell your dad I still don’t know what and where ZOUK is because astaghfirullah sister HAHAHA.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri/ Happy Eid Mubarak

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 First and foremost Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin / Happy Eid Mubarak / happy holidays guys, as i have finally realised my traffic comes from various countries. So grateful I get to blab and someone actually reads and finds my writings worth their time, cause I mean come on H is starting to need his earplugs the moment I open my mouth to even say hey.

So, unlike every other Eid Mubarak I spent mine this year in the glorious metropolitan London.   Went for the yearly Aidilfitri Prayers at the High Commission of Malaysia, London and bumped into a few familiar faces.
  Look at this green coordinated family, super cute! (not mine though) OH! First from left graduated London School of Economics a couple of days before yay.

  Not creepy at all, nope I’m not a creepy popia (fried mini spring roll) person.

  
  
  Glorious food.. cause what are crash diets and calories…
 Spent my entire first day of Aidilfitri with this lady right here and I had an amazing time. For a second there, I almost forgot I wasn’t home for such an important day and I wouldn’t have been able to endure this day without her. How lucky am I? So thankful!

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin / Happy Eid Mubarak to those celebrating and those who are not- go on a hunt for the food they serve- Thank me later, I know you will! & Happy Holidays!