Being the first never felt so good

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It wasn’t even too long ago where my friends and I were dressed in the most awful combination for a baju kurung- god forsaken blue kain sarung and a see through smelly if you sweat baju and deciding if we were gonna stay in school past break time. As far as my memory serves me, we swore we knew what was ahead of us- and marriage wasn’t gonna be something in my foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure someone else was first in line.

Goes to show we know nothing- or maybe not as much as we think.

Being the first has always been awful- you know when your classmates throw you to the front of the line to have you answer that add math question you have no idea how to solve…. or when you were 4? 5? and you get thrown in front of the line to be the first to test the waters (literally) in the murky swimming pool in your preschool. But today, first has never felt so good.

In less than a month I get to be not only the first in line but I get to marry my best bud and none of this would happen if it wasn’t for my friends (and of course family) that has travelled the distance to prep for my engagement. (Which also means I’m pretty screwed in trying to match their efforts with appropriate gifts- wonder if samples are good enough 😅?)

If only I knew what else I would be first in line for 8 years ago… I would have probably attended more add math classes!!!!

❤️

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Trial me

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“How tough of a tough cookie are you”, today I asked myself while taking an ungodly 3am shower and Paloma Faith’s Cry Baby was playing in the background. Oh the irony of the title.

Though tough enough it’s very rare that I get through anything without re-reading my ultimate pick me up and suck it up buttercup and I thought if it helps me it sure as heck will help everyone else! 😉

“Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” – Cheryl Strayed (Wild)

And of course one of my all time favourite for when it becomes a little…. unsure.

I’ve always strongly believed that it really is all in our hands, to a certain point. What and how we conduct ourselves and things around us goes a long way in determining what is meant for us, good or bad. If it’s yours, trust your effort to take you where you gotta go, but if you don’t get there, maybe, yknow, you’re not losing out on much anyway (so I’d like to think). 😛

“Let not the people come to know except of your happiness, and let them not see except your smile. If life becomes constricted upon you, then within the Quran lies your orchard. If you feel curtailed and restricted, then to the heavens raise your call. And if they ask you of your affairs, then praise Allah and smile.”

And another one of my favourite when it comes to spreading love! Nothing like a quick pick me u when you know you in spite of your worries and trials are making someone else’s day pleasant!

I hope this helps cause it sure does help me everytime I feel… bluer than blue.

❤️

Tugging my heartstrings

So you watch a movie… and it’s… good, and you think well okay, this was worth the numb bum. Then right there, some lines, some scene hits you. You think you’re just hormonal, but you remember you’ve probably been hormonal ever since you’ve gotten engaged to the man of your dreams (tall, dark and the most handsome!) and you’ve had to start planning your wedding and it’s 75 days away and you gotta make sure you don’t binge eat, you gotta Vera Wang the crap outta your dress, you gotta have glowing skin, you gotta have good hair, you gotta have good nails…. you gotta do wedding papers!!!! Oh my god……!!!!!!!! I’m engaged and he fineeee.

Ok anyway… out of the topic and obviously I need pre-wed therapy lol.

But if there’s anything that is numb bum worth… it’s definitely the Before Trilogy which consists of

1. Before Sunrise

2. Before Sunset

3. Before Midnight (my personal favourite)

A three part romance over the course of almost two decades which started of in a personal favourite place of mine (Vienna). A tale of possibilities, of finding love and an inevitable parting…and finding it again.

Aaaaand Jesse breaks my heart.

We’ve all made to sometimes feel in partnerships like we’re not giving enough, not doing enough, the person that we are isn’t enough so we look for ways to change in expense of our individuality and happiness… which really is the worst thing we could ever do to ourselves. We keep forgetting that we are already (giving our live and we’ve got nothing larger to give) something we need to constantly remember. #beforetrilogyftw

2017

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To the year that has taught me so much and has provided me with an abundance of joy, it’s been such a pleasure.

2017,

Into you, I’ve managed to look back from the start to finish. After one of the craziest years of my life personally in 2016, you’ve given me endless opportunities to recompose myself. You’ve taught me what it is to truly forgive and give out chances, deserving or not you you’ve made me realise wasn’t mine to decide. Forgive anyway.

You’ve provided me with so much more memories with the friends I’ve kept so close to my heart almost more than half my life. On top of that you’ve given me new ones, lovely new friends whom today I’ve made more space in my heart for.

You’ve given me battle wounds, chin scars, bruises, nasty dark eye circles, and a ton of adventures.

Most of all you’ve given me the opportunity to make mistakes and learn in my personal life, career choices and actions.

At the end of it, when I was ready, you granted me the kind of love you only read in books. The kind you hold so close afraid of letting it find its way away from you, yet in the same time let it roam free believing that what is yours will always be yours. You’ve granted me faith, in a higher power, greater than I can imagine (one which I hope stays).

You’ve granted me hope that love, love can be silly and solid. Love can come to you when you least expect it, in the form of a person you’ve never imagine yourself to ever, ever want to be with. Love can take you by surprise and sweep you off of your feet without a single brush against your skin.

Although still and may forever be a work in progress, you’ve taught me the importance of being able to, even when wobbly to stand on my own two feet and figure my wants and needs.

On top of it all, you’ve given me a slight glimpse that my hopeful romantic would be delighted about, that I may, I may just be able to find a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.

For all of these and more, 2017 you’ve been nothing short of amazing.

My turf, my rules

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That wicked little witch, who does she think she is.

That is what happens when you put your foot down for the first time in 8 years.

Do everything right, play the game according to someone else’s rules for almost 8 years but the 1 day, that one brave ass day you decide to play the game however you want it, the 1 day you decide to set rules, that’s when hell breaks lose. You won’t be remembered for all the things you’ve done right but you will definitely be remembered for that one day, which in their eyes, you’ve done them wrong and you’re crazy. Reality, and the some things that you really cannot change is exactly this.

But,

Glass half full:

1. It may have taken you 8 years to put your foot down, but you put your foot down eventually and that is all that matters.

2. You’ll be remembered anyway, for whatever wrong or right reason.

Tough luck really but here is what I’ve learnt. Sometimes, when you’ve allowed yourself to play in someone else’s turf for way too long, they’ll forget you have your own turf and that’s the worst because when they forget, they refuse to be reminded of its existence. But boy oh boy don’t let them forget. I’ve learnt that we can always share our lives with someone, but never give it away entirely. Never be in the mercy of someone you love and if you find yourself in it, it’s not love.

These are things I’ve told myself for the longest time now and yet sometimes, I need reassuring. Thankfully I’ve dug deep and was able to find a solid ground to plant these principles. Dig deep, plant, and never forget E, dig deep, plant, and never forget.

In the same time, deny love, never. Love deeply, love the heck out of love. Love like you’re not the only one who has been hurt, love in a way so deep the ocean would be jealous, love beautifully, melodiously, passionately and may the fire never die, I pray.

I’m a hopeless romantic, forever.

Take take take it all

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Remember that desperate need we’ve all encountered if lucky, only once in our lives, to move so far away… to disconnect ourselves from the person we once were.

Sometimes something as simple as a terrible tagged photograph to something so much more, to a terrible end of something we thought could have been beautiful story to tell.

What a shame it is to watch something fall apart, something we thought would have made through the test of time but thats just it, we’re all so fragile. Relationships are fragile, how we feel, what we say, the many many things we do on a daily basis if only we took the time to look into closely, has fragile written all over it.

Fragile are our hearts. Fragile are our hearts and no matter how we’ve armoured it, we’re only human and we can only take so much.

Never read me wrong, we as humans are capable of more than we can imagine, so so so so much more. You’re a tough cookie, I’m a tough cookie that dude who has had a long day puffing a box of cigarettes, dude is a heck of a tough cookie.

But we’re fragile.

We’re fragile when we love, we love with all our hearts in hopes that we see it through. We give it all, so we’ll never live with regrets. We spend weeks, months, years nurturing bonds only to have it broken in a blink of an eye.

Then we wish we never spent all that time and effort so we remove all proof of that time and effort. We delete text messages, photos and numbers. We avoid all communication, we clear the gifts we’ve received to make it easier. We become so desperate to pretend that the time in our life, never happened. That time that we were fragile. Sometimes we regret. I do that, I regret the choices I’ve made, many of them, I regret the people I’ve put never ending faith in, I regret sometimes existing in the same time they did, same time and place. I do it too, find myself in a desperate need to disassociate myself to a time where I was fragile.

However not too long ago, I realised for the millionth time, if it wasn’t for the people I’ve met no matter good or bad, if it wasn’t for the most silent of shatters I’ve heard my heart make, if it wasn’t for that picture I really didn’t want to see on social media but popped up anyway, and most importantly if it wasn’t for that awful international call I received as I was walking through immigration in London Stansted airport, I really truly would not be the person I am today.

I’ve learnt over the years that if the good gets better, the bad too can get worse. Lesser things get to me and very rarely do I mope around wondering why.

So here is a huge ass thank you to everything that I at some point in my life wish will not happen but happened anyway for I am nothing without it. I am a compilation of people I’ve met, relationships I’ve had, stories I’ve heard and problems I’ve encountered. I am a mirror of the people who has loved and cared for me. Nothing of me is original. I am bits and pieces of experiences, something, I really wouldn’t trade off for anything, even if it was simpler. (I won’t always feel this way and I will, I foresee myself every once in a  while looking back and being very very angry about many many things but I hope I’ll always find it within me to remind myself that nothing…absolutely nothing of me is solely self made)

 

And these are my odd thoughts at 4am.

 

Time; a double edged sword.

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We think we have time.

One of the many many things I probably am most guilty about is pulling a rain check. Never ever on purpose, always believing we have time and although that cup of coffee was important, something is..more important. It sneaks up on you and makes it to the top of the priority list. WORK, constantly finds itself up there.

Seriously though, how is work always sneaking up and biting us up in the ass and how are we always so wiling to let it do just that?

ANYHOW….

I never gave anything I could not see with my own two eyes the time of the day (i.e horoscopes, tarot cards bla bla bla absolutely no offence to those who do, is cool). First things first… who is this guy behind these recycled papers telling me what’s going to happen to my life in the next week, how does he know these things and if he does can he show me the way to idk whatever it is at the end of the road already…and secondly why does a sun with a smiley face represent anything more than sun…with a smiley face? #legitq

My mouth will come to haunt me back one day, and right now is that day.

Many many MANY years ago… I accompanied a friend to this South African festival something whatsoever in London and there was a tarot card reader who has been in the block for ages (so it seems). I was hungry, it was raining a little and a huge person in an ugly costume thought it’ll be funny to chase me around..so the shelter of the tarot card reader really did seem like the best option.

Fast forward I was persuaded to read my whatdaya call it…future? in my cards.

Granted she really did not even want me to pay so why not.

Fast forward to whatever she deciphered from my card: I apparently am always chasing something, deep down I want to chase what truly matters but I always end up chasing success..solo success. (WHAT DA HECK IS SOLO SUCCESS?). Do it long enough she said, I will find myself able to see the world and no one to see it with. Do it long enough she further said, I’ll forget what I now stand for: To find a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. (OH NOSEE!).

Glass half full: Believer or not yeah, when you hear these things said about you, you will snap out of it! You’ll try your hardest to not be exactly that. So maybe…it wasn’t so bad after all an ugly costumed person decided to come after me, or that it rained… or that I was so hungry i needed a breather. It now does not even matter that I am a non believer of card reading because the eventual result is me trying to chase the better more lasting form of happiness this world has to offer. I do that now. That’s where time comes into place.

What a shame yet what a blessing we humans are such mortals that with time, we will cease to exist on the face of this earth. Shame because of all the things we want to do yet time is so limited. Shame that there are so many books I would love to devour in my own pace yet I’ve got an alarm clock to set. Shame that we live in such a world that we’ve got a ticking body clock forcing us to find love even when the love is not there. Shame, really.

…………but

What a blessing this existence of time can be.

Blessing that with the knowledge that nothing lasts forever and we mortals are living in the mercy of time, we will hopefully not take anyone for granted. We’ll make it in time for coffee with those whose time are just as limited as ours. We will strive to live to the fullest, to love with all our hears, to make it count. To chase what truly matters.

Funny. Time. A double aged sword.

How does work sneaking up, rain check, tarot card reading and us being mortal makes sense that I am putting it all together: Today, I don’t let work sneak up on me, I make choices, I barely ever pull a rain check unless I am sick because..TIME. Because I do not want to be able to see the world but see it alone, I want to see the Subang Jaya lake, and not be alone. I want something greater than a list of titles on my name card.

(Now, its 2017,nobody come after me with a broom stick on fire for sitting through a tarot card reading yeah? Sekian.)

P/s: GO HUG THE HECK OUT OF THE MORTALS THAT MATTER.

In a blink of an eye

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Many many years ago, with 5 piercings on one ear, rainbow hair and god awful braces, I too made coffee. But unlike the many horrifying decisions I was so persistent on making, this was, although at a minimum wage (Ha Ha) definitely one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life.

I would not even be exaggerating if I were to say a lot of me today is built on that two years +- I spent every single day meeting different people, some in contact till this very day.

In fact, some of my closest were the people I met and worked with. Who would have thought you’d build such a lasting relationship over overpriced fraps (making not drinking), the most non flattering green as an apron, cap hair, coffee smelling fingers and chicken toastie!

Years later, we’re still here. Together. Nothing has changed. We look exactly the same!(well…at least most of us…Damn it Chee Meng lose that awfully tight and short trousers).

Chee Meng has become one of my closest friends who has always been there for me unless the time required for him to be there is between 6 am to 8 am then good luck getting yourself out of a rut while he walks in getting angry at the entire world because he wouldn’t wake up or morning traffic is odd in that lalaland of his. (MAJOR WTF)

But other than that this little tight trousers wearing person has always had my back.

We traveled stores together, worked with new people together, even spent an Aidilfitri together working in Bangsar!

Eric……. Eric is just an oddball (I never called him that until today, he calls himself that). Such an extremist with the most complicated of emotions. Like I mean what would you do when someone cries because they are hungry? How would you tackle a large person behind a door crying because he is hungry AND does not know what to eat….even with the whole Asia Cafe in front of his face. HAH! We made up for all the naughtiest things we have done together i.e infused orange juices, 20 espresso shots that got me so high i couldnt tell the difference between RM 10 and RM 20 and hair dye sessions in the toilet..because we were so so good together. For all the tired days I’ve had, Eric has always been there for me, helping me out…no matter the shift. All of us were so good together, so much warmth so much love, it helped that we were all actually friends.

Janice, is Janice. Probably one of the more normal person there was behind the bar. Never the naughty one to initiate, always the one being called up for random shifts because she lived half a block away.

But it always made sense, there was of course so so many more of us, all of us were students, none expected to have lasted that long at RM5/ph but we had each other and…man, how do I even begin to explain.

I wish the entire two years were documented then maybe just maybe you’d be just at awe as I am at how so many different people from different walks of life with extreme differences in personalities made a generic coffee place, special. The little things made those years a definite contender for the best years of my life.

It wasn’t only special for us…. It was so it seemed special to more than just us. We became sons and daughters of regulars, friends to strangers, saviors to no sleep last night lecturers, and puke cleaners to vomiting party animals Ha Ha Ha.

So thankful I decided to walk into that then different and smaller generic coffee shop. So thankful I agreed to a 4 minute interview with Karen. So thankful for how everything just worked itself out.

So lucky.

What do I need

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The probably most humbling (because brutal honesty is the way to go here) question you can ever ask yourself.

“What is it that I need? What’s gonna keep my feet on the ground?”

I don’t have my feet on the ground. I have myself floating in bits of pieces of lala-land I’ve carefully crafted.

As much as gravity free life is very very appealing, in the long run, it gets a little bit too…unreal and slowly but surely you find yourself detached from all that truly matters.

So here is what I need. I need to be okay with the many many things that aren’t as okay as I wish for it to be. I need to be okay that some things too won’t be as smooth sailing as I want it to be. I need to be okay that sometimes, though very rarely, I may not be able to vogue it out in a pair of stilettos and should opt for a boring black ballerina to work. I need to learn to be okay (and grateful, most importantly grateful) that I am surrounded by those who are trying their hardest to protect my best interest although methods of execution are distorted. I need to be okay with the fact that sometimes, some not always times, no matter how hard you try to work around “How you treat others is a mirror of how you want yourself to be treated”, it doesn’t always work out as such.

Therefore I need to slowly accept that maybe, just maybe Tom Chaplin knows whats up and I do not:

You’ll be knocked out, come around
Shot down, shatter on the stony ground
Yeah take it from me, it’s how it’ll be
Your dreams will come true, fall through
Screw you, batter you to black and blue
Yeah take it from me, it’s how it’ll be

-Quicksand (Album: The Wave)

But most of all I need to be okay that the shoe I ran my first, first ever marathon with, that has taken me over a thousand kilometers (unreal, I know), has done its time, in the most elegant manner. You da bomb dot com bow chicka wow wow.

Wants and Needs

In hopes that my past does not haunt my present and my future, I have chosen to delete the hundreds of blogposts I’ve posted in the past few years, to be more careful in my choice of words and to think before I speak (something I need to really work on).

Tonight? To-morning (Its 5.30am) I was thinking about so many things my thoughts are more jumbled up than they ever have been.

a) what do i want?

b) what do i need?

c) is what i want and what i need the same thing?

d) do we ever know what it is we should want and what it is we should need?

e) wait, so what do i go for?

What I want is pretty straightforward. Since this isn’t where i’ll dwell into ALL the things that truthfully matter to me because who has time to read someone else’s hope and dreams when they’re chasing their own (so i’d like to think), be brief I shall.

Love. Love is what I want for without it what are we and who will we be? But not just any other love. The crazy out of this world mesmerising you’re my best friend let stay in and watch movies lets be so in love we don’t give ourselves a chance to fall out of it.

That sort of love. A love so deep the ocean would be jealous – I’ve seen it. I want it.

I don’t want to settle just for another love, another ordinary love that losses its light, eventually.

Where is this never enough, never ever enough, mind stimulating, thankful, grateful you’ve found each other in this world, kind of love?